01 Sep Falling Off the Edge of the World
I think about closing the door
And lately I think of it more
I’m living well out of my time
I feel like I’m losing my mind
It’s easy to fool yourself into believing you have everything under control, that it’s just a bad day and that things will turn around eventually. You might actually even begin to believe it, but then that bad day turns into a bad week, a bad month, a bad year. You begin to wonder how it happened. Where did things go wrong? Who is to blame for all of this? Am I just cursed?
I should be at the table round
A servant of the crown
The keeper of the sign
To sparkle and to shine
You think you are amazing, but no one sees. No one cares. You feel alone and abandoned. Can’t they see? Don’t they know? There is no connection. You feel that absence and think… to hell with them. You will be a fortress, you will be your own support. You become a tower of invincibility, a self sustaining being living within the confines of your own mind. Again, it’s that illusion of control and it comforts you. Makes it easy to withdraw, makes it easy to push away, to become the repellent because that’s better than the disappointment.
Never, no never again!
Listen to me and believe what I say if you can
Never, this is the end
You know I’ve seen the faces of doom and I’m only a man
Help me, tell me I’m sane
I feel a change in the earth, in the wind and the rain
Save me, take me away
You know I’ve seen some creatures from hell and I’ve heard what they say!
It doesn’t make the loneliness go away though and now you only have your own thoughts to keep you company. So you become acutely self aware. You know that it’s all your fault. You know that you are not attractive enough, not smart enough, not friendly enough, not talented enough. You know that no matter how hard you try, you will just never be good enough. You will never be accepted. You will never belong.
I’ve got to be strong
Oh, I’m falling off the edge of the world
Think you’re safe, but you’re wrong!
We are falling off the edge of the world!
So there you sit, alone and cornered and helpless to do anything about it. You ruminate. You fixate. You become reckless and make decisions purely to see what happens, hoping that something, anything, breaks this cycle.
Look out! there’s danger! no where to run!
It seems like desperate measures but sometimes it has to be done
Over, it’s over at last
There’s a message inside as we build a new life from the past
Time to choose… either follow that road to the inevitable end or choose a new road.
We’re falling off the edge of the world!
Yes, the edge of the world!
It’s the end of the world!
So this is me, navigating strange highways. Trying new things. There are still many bumps in the road, but I can see a different horizon and maybe I’m feeling a tiny bit hopeful that this road will be different, that I’ll learn to enjoy the view along the way and find comfort among my traveling companions without the burden of predestination.
All of which is an artsy attempt to say… this summer has been full of change, and as a result this project had to take a backseat for a while until I could take care of myself a little better than I had been.
See you back here next week for some project metrics and a new sneak peak.